End of the Year (2017)

I had debated whether or not to do one of these posts, but I figured I should.

I’m still fairly new to the blogging community, having started in October.  That said, I don’t have many posts published and thought it might be silly to have a “best of 2017” post, with such little content.  However, I do want to share a couple of posts from this last year.  Before I go into that, I do want to share a bit about my year.

I had hoped 2017 was going to be a good year.  Around March, things took a turn for the better and I met someone who made me very happy, and added that much needed joy to my life that I had all but forgotten about.  It was too good to be true, and a few months later that proved to be the case as we drifted apart.  Though we still went out with our friends, it wasn’t the same anymore.

Then came August.  I was arrested for a DUI.  That put me at a new low.  Driving was an escape for me.  I could go hiking and get away from everything.  I could drive with no destination, and go anywhere.  It was my time to be alone.  That freedom was taken because of my mistake.  I won’t go into detail of the circumstances surrounding the incident, but I did what I did and now I must own up to it.  It’s been stressful, and financially painful.  That mistake was something that could have been avoided, but I made a poor choice and now face the consequences of that choice.  I have no one to blame, but myself.  Needless to say, I’m taking care of it and getting my affairs in order.

As you might imagine, I wanted someone to turn to.  Who better than the one I met, the one that was there that fateful night?  The person I thought would be there wasn’t, and it felt like I was abandoned.  Things felt worse than ever.  It was then that I found a true friend in someone who had already been there.  This friend helped me through one of the rougher patches I’m currently facing.  She also encouraged me to create this blog and share my writings, which has helped me in many ways.  I am extremely grateful for her.

Through all the stress and hardship that this has cost me, it also came as a blessing in disguise.  Around 9 years ago after my daughter’s mom and I separated, I had started to drink carelessly.  It went on for a couple of years before I got control of myself.  From there drinking became a social thing, and once in a while I’d overdo it.  Looking back, it may have been more times than I’d like to admit.  For a while, it wasn’t an issue, and I kept it more on the casual side.  Then I started again, on the weekends.  Good ol’ 3 day binges when my daughter was at her mom’s for the weekend.  When she was gone, the loneliness ate away at me and it became unbearable.  It started off as drinking casually with friends to the point I drank until sunrise (it was a norm for me before).  I didn’t see it as a problem, and it had become routine.

I could have wrapped myself around a tree.  I could have taken a mother from her son.  I could have accidentally killed someone on the road.  I could have taken a different route.  I could have driven just a bit slower.  The possibilities of “I could have” go on and on.  The reality is, I’m alive.  She’s alive.  I was becoming reckless, and this was my wake up call.  I was so fixated on her, and this was my wake up call.  Though I still drink, I limit myself (mostly).  I still overdo it, but it’s far less, and less often, and I avoid getting behind the wheel.  As for her, though I felt like she abandoned me, I forgive her.  She knows I’ll be there if she ever needs.

The one who was there for me, who helped me get through this, and stuck by my side even when I did her wrong, I cannot thank her enough.

As this year comes to a close, I still have to deal with these consequences in the coming year.  Although things had taken a turn for the worse, there was good that came out of it.  Meeting people I would have otherwise not met, finding that friendship, waking up to a self destructive path I was blindly heading down, and creating this blog to finally take that step in sharing my stuff (I needed that push).  It’s all a part of life and learning so that we can become better, stronger people.  A sword must endure the fire before it can become sharp.

I shared more than I intended to, and if you made it this far, thanks for putting up with my rambling.  Now onto the posts.

Despair I” is my first post here.  It felt like the right first post, as it goes with the name of my blog as well as sets the theme.

Rotting” is one of my favorite posts that I’ve published, that I’d like to highlight for this end of the year post.  I will be working on a part 2 in the coming year.

That’s all for now.  I look forward to a new year, and creating more writings as well as growing with this.  Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my posts and have shown your support.  It really means alot and has helped keep me motivated to continue.

Here’s to a better year.


Photo Credit: AC


There is no warmth here.


No refuge, or sanctuary.


There is no hope.


No fighting the storm.


There is no love here.


No companionship.


There is no escape

From this…


Author’s Note:

A simple short piece.



Sitting here and thinking of you

Wishing there was more I can do

I pour myself another glass

Trying to forget the memories past

I’m on the edge looking down

Tired of running ‘round and ‘round

One small step is all I need

To end the pain and be set free

Feeling like there’s no other choice

Feeling like no one hears my voice

I close my eyes and feel the trigger

This hole I have can’t get any bigger

As the cold metal touches my head

There passes over me a sense of dread

With a deep breath I hesitate

Knowing everything is at stake.

Sitting here and thinking of you

Death my friend, I can’t come through

Not at this time

The decision is mine

I will be with you someday

But not this day

I have my life to live

It’s not yours to give

Not by my hand

I make this stand

I will be with you someday

But it’s not this day.

Author’s Note:

I’ve made a few changes since originally writing this piece (roughly 3 months ago).  I wrote this one while drinking too.  I originally didn’t want this to end on a high note, and there may or may not be a version where it ends differently.  Maybe it’s out of character for me, maybe not.

This one is about making a stand.  Sometimes it feels like there’s nowhere left to go.  No one left to turn to.  Nothing left to give.  Is that really the end of the line?  No.  It feels like that, but it isn’t that.  We have the freedom to think for ourselves, to make choices, to live.  We can get back up after being knocked down.  Don’t throw that away, because there are some who would give anything to be in our place no matter how bad it may seem.  As bad as things get, and though it may continue to worsen, it will get better.  But only if an effort is made.  Only if you take a stand, in getting back up.  Remember, you are never alone.


Hate II

I hate you.

I hate everything you do.

In all that you are,

I hate you through and through.


Staring into your eyes,

Sick of all your lies.

You are the embodiment

Of all that I despise.


You pretend you are fine,

While wasting everyone’s time.

If only they knew

What you’re hiding inside.


You continue to persist,

To find a reason to exist.

You don’t belong here,

Stop trying to resist.


A waste of time and space,

Your presence is a disgrace.

My chest burns unrelenting

When I look into your face.


I hate you.

I hate everything you do.

In all that you are,

I hate you through and through.


I break my gaze free

From the mirror in which I see,

The person that I truly hate.

That person is me.


Hate I – https://mynameisdespair.wordpress.com/2017/10/21/hate/

Author’s Note:

I don’t hate myself.  I want to make that clear.  However, I did for a while in the past.  Since then, I’ve come to accept things for what they are.  I’ve come to accept me for who I am.  I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and made many mistakes.  Instead of hating myself, I accept and learn from them.

Don’t hold on to hate of any kind, lest it burns you alive from the inside out.  Is it worth hating yourself?



A beacon in the darkened sky,

A guiding light in the midnight hour.

On this road I journey forth,

Standing tall as darkness cowers.

The moonlight shines its light so bright,

Piercing through the clouds above.

Illuminated path at night,

My back is turned to a land once loved.

I journey on through the hills and seas

I walk alone in the midnight breeze

Through darkened fields and forest trees

The pale moonlight guiding me.

A beacon in the darkened sky,

A guiding light in the midnight hour.

On this road I journey forth,

Standing tall as darkness cowers.

Journey’s end is growing near,

Approaching now a daunting tower.

Through its door I disappear,

And leave behind a world devoured.

I journey on through the hills and seas

I walk alone in the midnight breeze

Through darkened fields and forest trees

The pale moonlight guiding me.

Author’s Note:

I tried something different here.  What is it?  I don’t really know.  I just wanted something less depressing, and bit more “adventurous” in a sense.

What do you think?


%d bloggers like this: