Suicide

Sitting here and thinking of you

Wishing there was more I can do

I pour myself another glass

Trying to forget the memories past

I’m on the edge looking down

Tired of running ‘round and ‘round

One small step is all I need

To end the pain and be set free

Feeling like there’s no other choice

Feeling like no one hears my voice

I close my eyes and feel the trigger

This hole I have can’t get any bigger

As the cold metal touches my head

There passes over me a sense of dread

With a deep breath I hesitate

Knowing everything is at stake.

Sitting here and thinking of you

Death my friend, I can’t come through

Not at this time

The decision is mine

I will be with you someday

But not this day

I have my life to live

It’s not yours to give

Not by my hand

I make this stand

I will be with you someday

But it’s not this day.

---

Author’s Note:

I’ve made a few changes since originally writing this piece (roughly 3 months ago).  I wrote this one while drinking too.  I originally didn’t want this to end on a high note, and there may or may not be a version where it ends differently.  Maybe it’s out of character for me, maybe not.

This one is about making a stand.  Sometimes it feels like there’s nowhere left to go.  No one left to turn to.  Nothing left to give.  Is that really the end of the line?  No.  It feels like that, but it isn’t that.  We have the freedom to think for ourselves, to make choices, to live.  We can get back up after being knocked down.  Don’t throw that away, because there are some who would give anything to be in our place no matter how bad it may seem.  As bad as things get, and though it may continue to worsen, it will get better.  But only if an effort is made.  Only if you take a stand, in getting back up.  Remember, you are never alone.

N

Hate II

I hate you.

I hate everything you do.

In all that you are,

I hate you through and through.

 

Staring into your eyes,

Sick of all your lies.

You are the embodiment

Of all that I despise.

 

You pretend you are fine,

While wasting everyone’s time.

If only they knew

What you’re hiding inside.

 

You continue to persist,

To find a reason to exist.

You don’t belong here,

Stop trying to resist.

 

A waste of time and space,

Your presence is a disgrace.

My chest burns unrelenting

When I look into your face.

 

I hate you.

I hate everything you do.

In all that you are,

I hate you through and through.

 

I break my gaze free

From the mirror in which I see,

The person that I truly hate.

That person is me.

 

Hate I – https://mynameisdespair.wordpress.com/2017/10/21/hate/

---

Author’s Note:

I don’t hate myself.  I want to make that clear.  However, I did for a while in the past.  Since then, I’ve come to accept things for what they are.  I’ve come to accept me for who I am.  I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and made many mistakes.  Instead of hating myself, I accept and learn from them.

Don’t hold on to hate of any kind, lest it burns you alive from the inside out.  Is it worth hating yourself?

N

Alone

I sit here alone

Inside my head is my home

No one else to call my own

It’s all I’ve ever known;

Filled with regret

I try and forget

The memories I’ve set

With actions I beget;

The virtues of violence

Standing in silence

With absolute compliance

No sense of guidance;

Lost in the haze

Of an inescapable maze

I’m caught in a daze

Of past demons I raise;

I try to cry out

I scream and I shout

Caught without a doubt

My body trembles throughout;

I’ve opened the gate

Of malice and hate

A monster I did create

This has become my fate;

I sit here alone

As it’s all I’ve ever known.

 

---

Author’s Note:

I sat alone the other night after a party.  Everything felt wrong, and I could not get any sleep.  So I drank until dawn.  I don’t even remember going inside to sleep.  I’ve polished this since then.  Also, I like to rhyme.  I sometimes think that others will find it amateurish, but I don’t care.  It’s my writing.

This one’s about feeling utterly alone and fighting the negative thoughts and guilt that seem to trap one.

N

The Ocean

The ocean calls to me:

 

“Forget the land behind you.

Forget the pain and misery.

Come to me,

And I’ll set you free.

Let me embrace you.

For you are that which I crave.

Come to me,

I’ll show you to your grave.”

 

The sound of her waves crashing against the shore draws me in.

I sit here and stare out at the dull grey sky, fighting this temptation.  Her pull is strong.  But I am stronger.

---

Author’s Note:

On some days, I’m tempted to give up.  To give in, and let myself drown.  It’s difficult at times, but I endure.  No one said life would be easy.  Take on one obstacle at a time instead of looking at them all with dread.  The day will come when you look back and realize, you scaled mountains.  And you will know the true strength that you had all along.

We all struggle, some more than others.  What do you do, or say to keep going, when you’re on the brink of giving up?

Feel free to comment below.

N

 

Loneliness

I sat here and waited for you, but you never came.

So I sat alone,

In the sun,

In the rain.

Day and night I waited.

Then one day I finally realized,

You were with me all along.

Right there by my side,

You sat with me.

You are always there,

Though sometimes I forget.

It’s good to have you here with me,

My friend

Loneliness.

---

Author’s Note:

No note today.

N