Existence

Despair sits upon my head like that of a crown on a king, casting a veil before my eyes that filter out the colors of life.

Desolation hangs around my neck, with one firm hand that reaches into my chest, holding my still beating heart in its cold grip.

A billowing cape of loneliness envelopes me like a smothering blanket that gives no comfort, but only suffocation.

From a dark abyss extend the chains of doubt that are shackled around my feet, anchoring me in place with the inability to move.

Seated on a throne of failure atop the highest peak of the highest mountain, surrounded by barren lands, my kingdom of emptiness.

Frostbitten winds whip at my naked body as the bitter cold bites into the marrow of my bones and the depths of my soul.

The pain has faded long ago, leaving a dull ache of numbness that flows through my veins, as I pray for death to come.

“Come O Death, and spare me from the curse of my existence.  Take my lands, and fill them with the dead. Let the rivers run red with blood once again.  Release me from this meaningless life!”

Death appears beside me as a shapeless shadow, placing one hand on my shoulder as it leans down to whisper in my ear.

“No.”

 


Author’s Note:

I really don’t know what to say tonight.  Maybe this piece is thought-provoking, maybe it’s cheesy.  Obviously, the kingdom isn’t an actual physical land, but rather symbolic.  The message is pretty straightforward, in a way.  We’ve all been there, hitting one low after another until it feels like rock bottom.  Only then to find out, there’s more falling to be done.  Some of us want to be released from this life, which can seem like a curse at times.  It’s the easy way out, sometimes seeming the only way out.

Is it possible to cast off the crown of despair?  Remove the pendant of desolation?  Tear away the cape of loneliness?  Break free from the chains of doubt?  Rise from a throne of failure?  The answer is something we all find in our time.  Or maybe, we’re just meant to live a tormented life of a miserable existence.  You decide.

N

Doubt

Black

Are the stars

That never shone

In the night

That never broke

To bring the day

That never came

And the light

That never lit the way

Through the dark

Where there was no escape

From myself

Whom I never believed

In the dreams

That were never dreamt

And the words

That were never written

For the songs

That were never sung

From the heart

Which there was no beat

To the music

That was never heard

And the joy

That was never shared

For the smiles

That were never seen

By the eyes

That never opened

Out of fear

In which there was no fight

Of battles

That were never won

On fields

That were never roamed

By feet

That have never ran

Like wings

That have never soared

In skies

Which were limitless

Like the goals

That were never reached

By the kings

That were never crowned

On the worlds

That were never formed

Under stars

That were never born

Out of doubt

In myself

 

And a life

That was never lived

 


Author’s Note:

Doubt is something I struggle with, especially self-doubt.  Tasks or small challenges can become much more troublesome because of it.  Whether it’s doubting my abilities, myself at work, the words and stories that I haven’t written or finished, myself as a father, or even myself in general; doubt has affected me in a number of subtle and not so subtle ways.  It’s just another struggle that I fight daily.  I’m working on it though, working to overcome and plant myself on solid ground of certainty.  To have the confidence in myself and believe that I can do it.  I’m reaching for my dreams, but unless I can conquer the doubt in myself, I’ll never be able to extend my arm to its furthest reach and grab them.  Until that time, my dreams will only continue rain down as smoldering ashes around me.

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.  –  Suzy Kassem

I see the proof of that quote every day.

As imperfect humans, doubt is something we all face.  Do you struggle with doubt as well?

N

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